Voice of London

Words: Kiera Chapman | Subbing: Bernadette Galbraith

For some, it’s the crackers, for others it’s the sprouts that do it, but is it really Christmas until someone unwillingly swallows an animal penis?

Along with the usual November routines (roasted root veg, sparklers, etc.), there is now a familiar serving of shame from our favourite jungle-set TV show. It’s that time of the year again where a handful of ‘famous’ hooligans are thrown into a jungle to brag, nag and ultimately shag: welcome back I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!

If Ant and Dec aren’t enough to tempt people over to the shameful entertainment and insect recipes that BBC Good Food leaves out, the consistently colourful line-up can lure even the most snobbish minds in – without fail.

At times it feels like these figures are a work of fiction, as we analyse their bizarre methods of communication, cooking, and existing in general. It makes you curious as to what the jungle would be like if it were populated by some of the distinctive characters of the fiction.

For example, what if Hermione Granger were to fly in past the chopper on the latest Nimbus, all brains blazing, ready to win her team some crocodile they can griddle? She would undoubtedly be winning gold stars based on knowledge, but while magic is on her side, morals are too. Any whiffs of potential flirts and they’d all get a thump in the face unless their name is Krum.

Then there’s Eleven from Stranger Things. If anyone is going to challenge Hermione on the magic meter, it’s her. Small and deceiving, Eleven would wiggle wondrously through holes and conquer every challenge thrown her way. She would be a firm favourite to win and probably cause a sizeable amount of chaos: from the entirety of camp wetting themselves to men with untameable erections.

Now for the joker of the camp. Enter: Chandler Bing. Chandler holds the immaculate ability to hook up with those so close to him that his track record includes his best friend’s sister. He is also amusing. He actually couldn’t be any funnier. Yet, without his partner in crime, Joey Tribbiani, the reason for having Chandler in the jungle makes no sense. But if we throw How I Met Your Mother’s Barney Stinson into the mix – we have created an epic new duo with the potential to explode. It’s a bit like salt and chocolate – hit and miss – one either enhances the other or makes it taste like Willy Wonka’s version of a chip.

Finally, we need our camp villain, and who better to fill the not-so-fetch shoes than Regina George? A Mean Girl can only mean one thing: straight talking, love stalking and without a doubt, pink on Wednesdays. How many carbs are in a cockroach, again?

I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here returns to ITV on 19th November.